...His Hand has Calmed my Troubled Heart and I Believe

Good Friday. By this afternoon, we'll hear a service about the Lord's seven last words. It's gonna be a long and dragging service. But it's okay, though. We only observe what they call "Siete Palabra" once a year. Do we really observe the Holy Week because of what it should be for- repentance and thanksgiving?

I admit I still eat meat during the days when I shouldn't (as the Catholic faith dictates). I'm a Protestant, like my Papa, but my Mama was born and raised in Catholicism. It has never been a problem with us, however. But sacrificing what you're eating isn't the only way of showing repentance.

When I was in still in high school, at the height of the cellphone fever- it was torture not to have your cellphone for a day- what more for a week? My Papa would keep my cell phone from me and I'd be worried sick for days. I didn't have to sacrifice anything else, he said, I just had to give up something that I'm used to.

Yesterday, when I realized it was Maunday Thursday, I went online and immediately deactivated my Facebook account. I drove my Mama to the market for some items and when I went back home, I had messages on my YM. Friends wondered why they couldn't find me over at the social networking site. I simply said, "I deactivated my account for the Holy Week". Though it's something new to me, I'm okay with it. I'm not dying to go back- yet. It's nice to have a break from the public. It's a new experience, not having to log in to your account and spy on others' lives. When I checked my e-mail, no notifications. It's a weird feeling, though. I'm not saying I won't get back and activate my account. Actually, I will. By tomorrow.

The reason behind the deactivation is as simple as what my Papa said- sacrifice something that you're used to. Not the conventional one of not eating meat, not going out and be silent the whole day. We do Holy Week the other way around- eat meat, loud music, laugh. We don't pretend to be sad because Jesus Christ died. We're happy because He has given His life for us, and He has saved us from our sea of sins. Because we know for a fact that He will rise again. :) If anyone of you thinks it's just plain wrong, you better keep it to yourself. Just respect how we do it, because I never said anything bad about how you observe the Holy Week.

If I Had Eyes- Jack Johnson

If I had eyes in the back of my head
I would have told you that
You looked good
As I walked away

If you could've tried to trust the hand that fed
You would've never been hungry
But you'd never really be

The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out

Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always looking
Always looking out
Always looking out
Always looking out

Death.

The past days has made me think about death- how it looks and feels like. After a series of deaths of friends, acquaintances and random people, I wonder when life tells me it's all over. When you're in your death bed, or when you're driving a car about to crash, when you're laughing with friends and someone suddenly attacks you, is there really a kiss of death? Do you really get to taste it? Will we see the Angel of Death?

I wonder if I'd see the medical team trying to resuscitate my body while my soul's got a bird's eye view of the Code Blue that's happening. Or if I die in a car accident, I wonder if I'd try to deny that I'm dead. Will I still be able to access my Facebook account and read everyone's wall posts of condolences, goodbyes and messages from my laptop that's always turned on? I wonder how it feels like to be dead- seriously.

If I die today and get to see Christine and AJ Perez wherever death takes me, would we consider each other "batch mates" since we all died on the same week? Like, do we say "Ui, nice meeting you, how have you been doing? Me, I'm great, I died because of laughing too much with my friends, I forgot to breathe"

I only said I wonder how it feels like. Nothing more, nothing less.

P.S.

If you die someday and get back from the dead (like of you have a near-death experience), tell me, okay?

RIP, Christine.

Yesterday, I woke up to a sad news- AJ Perez, a young, good-looking and great actor died in a vehicular accident on the way home to Manila from an engagement. It's a sad story. I don't know him in person but I see him on TV. Still, it's a sad ending.

Today, again, a story of death completely wakes me up. Yawning, I logged in on my computer, checked my e-mails and checked on my Facebook. Christine Anne Cinco, a young nurse, a good friend to many, a daughter to one of my Titas, a girlfriend to someone, is dead. As of now, the cause of death is still uncertain. One friend said it's because of a cardiopulmonary arrest. As far as my mama could remember, she says Christine had a heart problem.

We were never close friends. But for 6 years (3 in highschool + 3 in college), I saw her almost everyday. She was a year younger than me. We have never spoken to each other- or if we did, I just couldn't remember. She came to my mama for dental works, though. I have seen her in some parties that involve our moms. I remember seeing her in a pool party years ago. We were introduced (that wasn't the first time we met, though) since we were in the same University and program.

This is not the first time I realized that life is short. In fact, this is the nth time. I just can't help thinking that life is unfair (nobody said about life being fair, though). Why take the good ones and leave the bad ones behind? From what I heard, she's a good friend, a great daughter. Gone too soon. Very young.

Rest in peace, Christine. See you soon. Hush, you're with Him now.

Sigh.

Until now, I still feel bad for our broken friendship. Years of friendship gone to waste. We have never spoken about it but I know we will never be the same. We still do some chit chat but everything's different now. We hold a lot of things from each other. We used to talk about anything and everything. We didn't care how one would think about what one would say. But now, we try to be very careful so as not to hurt each other's feelings. We don't see each other that much.

We started out as high school kids looking for ourselves. We were from an all-girl group and the boys were exclusive with their friendship. Then, the spark. We played, laughed and walked home together. We were inseparable. We used to think we were the coolest. Any group would think they are. We became co-ed. Boys with girls, girls with boys. We grew into one big barkada. I remember how we stayed out late in school. Bentong, our security guard, used to get so mad and scolded us for being so noisy. He gave us names and somehow understood our friendship. Other friends became boyfriends-girlfriends, though. And when they broke up, everything was okay. Everyone tried to understand each one's feelings post break up.

College came. We never wanted to leave our happy- go- lucky lives but reality bit and

we had to. We went to different colleges and universities. When sem break came, everyone was always psyched to go home back to Butuan to meet the barkada. We had our overnights. Beer. Chips. Smoke. Laughter. Te

ars. I remember how one would cry and laugh at his/ her frustrations and struggles not just with college but with life in general. We were the typical barkada- bonded, close. After bottles of beers and bags of chips, we were closer as ever.

But things change. With that, people come and go. It's sad.

We used to meet halfway. Ideas weren't as complex. I may have hurt the feelings of some who think I abandoned one of our friends, but some still think what I did was right. We tried to patch things up and thought we got okay afterwards. But the truth is, we forgot how we were as Lifetime.

I may have hard feelings after everything that's been said and done. I know they feel the same way. But the best part after everything that's happened is knowing who your real friends are. And I'm thankful for them- Grace, Jasper, Ted and Dale.

Tadhana

Up Dharma Down

Sa hindi inaaasahang
Pagtatagpo ng mga mundo
May minsan lang na nagdugtong,
Damang dama na ang ugong nito.
Di pa ba sapat ang sakit at lahat
Na hinding hindi ko ipararanas saýo
Ibinubunyag ka ng iyong mata
Sumisigaw ng pag-sinta.

Bakit di papatulan
Ang pagsuyong nagkulang
Tayong umaasang
Hilaga't kanluran
Ikaw ang hantungan
At bilang kanlungan mo
Ako ang sasagip saýo.

Saan nga ba patungo,
Nakayapak at nahihiwagaan na
Ang bagyo ng tadhana ay
Dinadala ako sa init ng bisig mo
Bakit di pa sabihin
Ang hindi mo maamin
Ipauubaya na lang ba 'to sa hangin
'Wag mong ikatakot
Ang bulong ng damdamin mo
Naririto ako't nakikinig saýo
Whoo..oohh... ho..ooohh...
Whoo..oohh... ho..ooohh...
Whoo..oohh... ho..ooohh...
Whoo.. ohhh....

Unsure.

I'm pretty unsure where God would eventually lead me. I have just resigned from my job as an Operating Room Nurse, however, I'm quite unsure what to do next. I mean, right now, I'm waiting for something that could possibly make my whole career. I'm very impatient now. I want to see them going out of the country to make me feel that I'm finally there. But I know God will grant me the desires of my heart in His own perfect timing. If God thinks there's something better in stored for me, I will gladly accept His will. :)